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<title>regret is such a cruel thing by packrat</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25409875">regret is such a cruel thing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/packrat/pseuds/packrat'>packrat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>anger, regret and everything that comes after [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Killing Eve (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(love) letters, Admission of love, Angst, F/F, borderline poetic?, in a way also hurt/comfort, soft!eve polastri, soft!villanelle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:48:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,282</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25409875</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/packrat/pseuds/packrat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>letters | pt2 to “anger”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>anger, regret and everything that comes after [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842973</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. to: Eve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My dearest Eve,</p><p>I can’t stop thinking about that night on the bridge. It felt like we reached the edge of our universe and yet it also felt like it was only just our beginning. It barely makes sense but with you around, nothing ever does, does it? You defy all the rules I thought I knew about the universe. We were supposed to be hero and antagonist, not star crossed lovers. You were supposed to run after me, not the other way around. Yet here we are, soulmates and me chasing after you.</p><p>What a cruel twist of fate.</p><p>You know, before you I didn’t believe in things like fate. </p><p>I’m sitting here in the dark, thinking about the moment when I asked you if you think that I am a monster and you replied that I am “so many things.” I can’t seem to stop thinking about it, no matter how hard I am trying to. And the more I am trying to not to think about it, the more the words echo in my head, and the more I understand how right you are. Because I am more than what The Twelve molded me into and made me believe that I am. </p><p>It’s almost 1 am and I am restless because your words and your face are running circles in my mind. And I realize that I am more than just Villanelle. I am not her anymore, I think. Not Villanelle but also not Oksana. I am more than them. I am more than a name and a killing machine. I understand that now, Eve. Yet I also wonder who I am without a name. Because people are nothing without a name. They’re faceless shapes that might or might have not existed. What I know though, is this:</p><p>I am fearless.</p><p>And I’m terrified at the same time.</p><p>I am a genius.</p><p>But I’m undoubtedly an idiot as well. </p><p>I am bruised and scarred but I am also untouchable.</p><p>I am a psychopath, they all say.</p><p>And yet, I am deeply, madly in love with you. And I wonder what I did to deserve someone like you? Admittedly, I wonder about that more than I wonder about anything. I was so good at shutting my mind down, at making it go quiet and fall asleep so easily. I was good at not thinking.</p><p>But since you came into my life everything has changed. It fundamentally changed. My fate was permanent, fixed, carved in stone and I just accepted that. </p><p>Until you came into my life. You changed my fate. My destiny. </p><p>But maybe this was my fate all along, for you to break the monotony. </p><p>Maybe you are my destiny.</p><p>Here I go again, overthinking and questioning absolutely everything I thought to be true.</p><p>You do this to me, Eve. I constantly think about you and I can’t do anything else because every thought comes back to you. </p><p>Always back to you.</p><p>Eve, I shouldn’t have walked away from you that night. But I was so angry and mad that you changed your mind after hurting me by asking me to make it stop in the first place and I had to walk because I was scared of what would happen next. I couldn’t be sure that I would hurt you, couldn’t promise neither you nor me that I would. So I had to walk. Because hurting you again? I couldn’t and still can’t bear that thought.</p><p>I regret that now. Walking. Maybe you could have talked me down and we could’ve talked about it. I don’t know. </p><p>I tried calling you countless times but since you have changed your phone number this was the only way I knew how I could possibly reach you. I miss you.</p><p>I miss you, that’s all I know. And that you are right about me being more than I was made to believe. And I know that I shouldn’t have walked.</p><p>I hope this letter finds you well and please text me or call me. I know you still know my number. You know how to reach me, Eve. You’ve always known how to find me. And I need to see you because without you I feel like I am just wasting away until I am nothing anymore. I already feel like I am nothing without you by my side.</p><p>I regret letting you go. </p><p>And I love you. A much as I know how to love. But you can teach me and we can learn together.</p><p>Yours only,</p><p>V xx</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. to: V</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>V,</p><p>I have been staring at this blank page for what must have been an eternity and I still don’t know where to begin. Because I never know where to begin when it comes to you. I never know what words to use when it concerns you. It’s like the human language cannot fully capture your essence. You are grander than language, grander than human life, grander than the universe. But you already know that, don’t you?</p><p>I can’t stop thinking about the bridge as well. It is all that has been on my mind ever since we parted ways. </p><p>The more I think about it, the more I can’t stop thinking about a handful of things, it seems: </p><p>There’s the bridge and all the words I’d spoken out loud. They were chosen all wrong, well some of them anyway. It’s hard to explain but I never really wanted this to stop, us to stop. I never wanted that and I only really realized when we were already walking, putting distance between us. I meant everything else I’ve said. </p><p>I can’t stop thinking about your face. It’s still ever present in the back of my mind. Though it really isn’t a clear picture anymore. It’s mostly blurry, green and hazel bleeding into honey golden ambers. I miss seeing your face clearly and I don’t want to forget it. I still see it over and over again when I’m thinking about my future. And I don’t want it any other way. </p><p>I can’t stop thinking about your voice. Once the battery ran out, your voice got all distorted and it felt like I was losing the last piece that had proven your existence to me. </p><p>I wonder, sometimes, if what I’ve experienced, if you are even real, if that was real. Or maybe I just dreamt it and I’m about to wake up and nothing has changed and I’ll go to my boring job with the terrible coffee and keep on doing the same old thing over and over again. </p><p>I know it sounds ridiculous but I understand why you walked. It’s another thing I can’t stop thinking about. About you telling me that we are the same. Because you were right. But you also know that. </p><p>I understand why you felt like you had to walk away, because we <em>are</em> the same. I hurt you with telling you that I want this to stop and you were ready to give me up for good. Only for me to change my mind. It wasn’t fair of me to do this to you. So if anyone would need to apologize it would be me. </p><p>You are everything there is to be, V. You were everything, all that and even more, long before our paths crossed. You will always be everything. </p><p>Maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I shouldn’t have and this right now is exactly where we are supposed to be. Maybe this is our destiny, as you have phrased it. </p><p>If this letter reaches you, meet me on the bridge, Saturday, 8pm. </p><p>I love you, too. </p><p>Yours, and yours only. </p><p>Eve.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i really don’t want to study right now. I’d rather do anything else tbh.</p><p>do you want to see them meet or nah? </p><p>if you liked it pls leave kudos and or comments 🤍</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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